So I look and see how unbelievably angry I was... and I think I should delete that post. But then I remind myself that I am allowed to all feelings, and anger is one of them.
3 years today LG and I made the choice to date. It's crazy to think back that far. I was so young. And so was he. We were just stupid teenagers. And man did we go through a lot.
It's a short post today, but today was a great one. Little S and I went to the park.. after wandering around for a good two hours! I got very very very very lost!
Today's Song of the Day is She Is by the Fray. Sometimes, you have to see how the other person may feel. And I have realised he's hurting just as much as I am with doing things alone again. I love you
Monday, July 18, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Congrats. This one's all about you.
Maybe she was right. But then why haven't you just left me and gone to her? Why drag this out anymore. Why make this more painful then it has to be. Why... Why say you love me, then forget to call me when you have to euthanize my cat? Why place a pretty little ring on my finger, then say you don't wanna be engaged? Why plan out our entire home, then say you just aren't ready. Why fill my head with thing you don't think you will ever foe fill. Why play me any longer.
You know why I talk to TR? Because he understands my emotions. He makes me feel good when I'm sad. And even though it's been 3 years since we've been together, he still calls me sweetie. I don't think you've called me a pet name for at least a year. No. I would never be with TR. But damn.. does he make me feel a heck of a lot better then you do right now.
I'm ready to cut you free. Let your mother, let HER, and everyone else have you. Let you go get drunk, let you not pay your rent, and take every snake I ever bought you back to CA. WHICH WOULD BE ALMOST EVERY DAMN ONE OF THEM! You don't see what I have done for you do you? You don't see that I'm doing this for us. To make my life with you better. So I can work too. So you don't have to worry about funding my dreams. So I can travel, and eat freaking peanuts without killing you! You have NO idea what I do for you. Because I do it silently. And you say you see it. You say that you're going to make it up to me. All of the bills, all of the rent you couldn't make. Managing your money for you, making sure you had food, shampoo, and toothpaste. I'm not your girlfriend. I'm your mother. I have been taking care of you for years. Since I sacrificed myself 3 years ago and left the church with my family. Yes. I went to a better place and never regret leaving. But it was for you. I did everything for you. I haven't done a lot just for you. I have done to much for you.
My heart is so broken, and you don't even know because "your phone doesn't work." I know for a fact your neighbor would let you use hers. Or my mother. Or JC at the shop. I know a lot of people who would hand their phone over for you to just call and tell me you love me. But you don't. Remember when I didn't have a phone? And I would borrow EVERYONE else's to text you, call you, and tell you how much I missed you? That's what people do when they love someone else. Do everything they can to let them know. I bet you won't even remember what Monday is....
I'm so angry.
Your song tonight is Last Kiss by Taylor Swift
You know why I talk to TR? Because he understands my emotions. He makes me feel good when I'm sad. And even though it's been 3 years since we've been together, he still calls me sweetie. I don't think you've called me a pet name for at least a year. No. I would never be with TR. But damn.. does he make me feel a heck of a lot better then you do right now.
I'm ready to cut you free. Let your mother, let HER, and everyone else have you. Let you go get drunk, let you not pay your rent, and take every snake I ever bought you back to CA. WHICH WOULD BE ALMOST EVERY DAMN ONE OF THEM! You don't see what I have done for you do you? You don't see that I'm doing this for us. To make my life with you better. So I can work too. So you don't have to worry about funding my dreams. So I can travel, and eat freaking peanuts without killing you! You have NO idea what I do for you. Because I do it silently. And you say you see it. You say that you're going to make it up to me. All of the bills, all of the rent you couldn't make. Managing your money for you, making sure you had food, shampoo, and toothpaste. I'm not your girlfriend. I'm your mother. I have been taking care of you for years. Since I sacrificed myself 3 years ago and left the church with my family. Yes. I went to a better place and never regret leaving. But it was for you. I did everything for you. I haven't done a lot just for you. I have done to much for you.
My heart is so broken, and you don't even know because "your phone doesn't work." I know for a fact your neighbor would let you use hers. Or my mother. Or JC at the shop. I know a lot of people who would hand their phone over for you to just call and tell me you love me. But you don't. Remember when I didn't have a phone? And I would borrow EVERYONE else's to text you, call you, and tell you how much I missed you? That's what people do when they love someone else. Do everything they can to let them know. I bet you won't even remember what Monday is....
I'm so angry.
Your song tonight is Last Kiss by Taylor Swift
Last Few Days...
Wednesday LG called and gave me the worst news. My kitty, Grasshopper, had tumors all over his body including one in his head that had ruptured out of his ear. It was very painful, and was only going to continue to grow and cause him more pain. I decided I would have to put him down because I couldn't handle knowing he was in so much pain. He went to go be with my Dad yesterday morning. I'm sorry my little baby...
I moved into my house with The P's and it's fantastic. It's slowly becoming organized and becoming more and more mine. My towels and bathmat came today in the mail, and soon everything else will be here. I'm so excited!!!
The first night here was hard. The kids screamed until about 12:30 and then woke up at 4:30.. needless to say NONE of us got much sleep... I am just not used to little kids. And the hours they like to wake up... 5:30? REALLY?! Pig Pig and I are getting used to it I guess :)
I'm getting tired of him ignoring me. It's like I'm in trouble for wanting to pursue my dreams. He could have come, but he didn't have the resources. So now our 3 year anniversary is coming up and I don't think he is even going to remember. Let alone know to send me flowers. Or even a card. I'm to the point where I don't know what to do. Grasping at loose straws... I'm losing the one thing I thought was true. And he doesn't care... He says he does. We fight about it all the time. He says he's going to make it all right. All I see is broken promises.
I miss my friends!!! I miss being able to go out and go to movies... It sucks not knowing anyone. Thankfully my Uncles D & D must have heard my pleas because they took me to Tucker's Ice Cream last night. It was awesome! I love my family, it's just lonely not having anyone around that's my age. Even in my house, it's adults and small children. Although, I am having fun dolling up my little Nutters lol. I put a bow in her hair today! She was so adorable!
So today's song of the day for yesterday was dedicated to my Uncle D #1. To teen angst and pink Mohawks.
And todays song is Rolling in the Deep by Adele
Hair by Lady Gaga
I moved into my house with The P's and it's fantastic. It's slowly becoming organized and becoming more and more mine. My towels and bathmat came today in the mail, and soon everything else will be here. I'm so excited!!!
The first night here was hard. The kids screamed until about 12:30 and then woke up at 4:30.. needless to say NONE of us got much sleep... I am just not used to little kids. And the hours they like to wake up... 5:30? REALLY?! Pig Pig and I are getting used to it I guess :)
I'm getting tired of him ignoring me. It's like I'm in trouble for wanting to pursue my dreams. He could have come, but he didn't have the resources. So now our 3 year anniversary is coming up and I don't think he is even going to remember. Let alone know to send me flowers. Or even a card. I'm to the point where I don't know what to do. Grasping at loose straws... I'm losing the one thing I thought was true. And he doesn't care... He says he does. We fight about it all the time. He says he's going to make it all right. All I see is broken promises.
I miss my friends!!! I miss being able to go out and go to movies... It sucks not knowing anyone. Thankfully my Uncles D & D must have heard my pleas because they took me to Tucker's Ice Cream last night. It was awesome! I love my family, it's just lonely not having anyone around that's my age. Even in my house, it's adults and small children. Although, I am having fun dolling up my little Nutters lol. I put a bow in her hair today! She was so adorable!
So today's song of the day for yesterday was dedicated to my Uncle D #1. To teen angst and pink Mohawks.
And todays song is Rolling in the Deep by Adele
Hair by Lady Gaga
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Today... I bought a mattress!
Today, my lovely Uncle D #2 (yes, both of my uncles names start with a D) went to the bestest place ever.. Ikea! I bought myself a mattress and an awesome lamp. Then we went to the beautiful Target and I got hot pink zebra print sheets and a black comforter. Currently I sit and shop online for my bathroom using my graduation gift card (Thank you Mr. and Mrs. G!) It's a gardeny themed bathroom, with yellows, whites, and greens. I love my bathroom! I love my room! I love my stinking house! And most of all, I love the P Fam!
Monkey today took the boxes from my mattress and made a boat :) I love that kid! He's incredible! He keeps demanding fish sticks, which I find hysterical. I really hope I pass the little kid test on fish sticks! Or on anything. He seems to think I am his best friend... I'm hoping that won't change when it comes down to the nitty gritty and I have to put him in time out. That will be the test.
My Auntie A and I were surfing Ebay tonight, and found the COOLEST toothbrush holder... for .94 cents! Hehe! YES! Can't wait to get them.
LG is a bit frustrating... he's been cute and missing me all day, and then when he has time to talk, he says he is to tired. Maybe I'm demanding, but I don't think that's right. Period over and out.
Monkey today took the boxes from my mattress and made a boat :) I love that kid! He's incredible! He keeps demanding fish sticks, which I find hysterical. I really hope I pass the little kid test on fish sticks! Or on anything. He seems to think I am his best friend... I'm hoping that won't change when it comes down to the nitty gritty and I have to put him in time out. That will be the test.
My Auntie A and I were surfing Ebay tonight, and found the COOLEST toothbrush holder... for .94 cents! Hehe! YES! Can't wait to get them.
LG is a bit frustrating... he's been cute and missing me all day, and then when he has time to talk, he says he is to tired. Maybe I'm demanding, but I don't think that's right. Period over and out.
Yesterday was CRAZY
Sorry I didn't write yesterday, I got sucked in to an amazing Criminal Minds... and then fell asleep on the couch :(
I woke up yesterday with a killer back ache, and to the sounds of Pig Pig chittering everytime he heard the door beeper that my Aunts have installed on their door. It's very tight security here... Well anyway, I pushed myself out of bed and dragged myself to my computer in the kitchen. I had decided I was going to make dinner for my aunts and uncle. Fish sticks, fresh dill tartar sauce, salad, and homemade cherry pie. Yum right?
Have you made a cherry pie without buying the can of cherry filling? Uh... my fingers were purple and I think if my job ws to pit cherries all day... I'd quit. It was labor intensive to say the least.
I woke up yesterday with a killer back ache, and to the sounds of Pig Pig chittering everytime he heard the door beeper that my Aunts have installed on their door. It's very tight security here... Well anyway, I pushed myself out of bed and dragged myself to my computer in the kitchen. I had decided I was going to make dinner for my aunts and uncle. Fish sticks, fresh dill tartar sauce, salad, and homemade cherry pie. Yum right?
Have you made a cherry pie without buying the can of cherry filling? Uh... my fingers were purple and I think if my job ws to pit cherries all day... I'd quit. It was labor intensive to say the least.
Monday, July 11, 2011
I'm a Utah Girl
I wasn't born, but very much raised a Utahn. I have that classic accent where I don't say my T's. Mountain becomes mounen and Layton is Layen. I don't wear shoes (which seems to be a no no where I'm at...) and 75 degrees is perfect weather for me. I have been a free spirit all my life, not confined to the classic Utah perception of being LDS. Fun to me is getting in a car and driving to the nearest Walmart at midnight and listening to Taylor Swift. I lived in a big enough town that it was bustling, but not to big that riding a horse on the side of the road wasn't out of the norm completely.
I am Clair Jensen, and yesterday I moved to Alameda CA. This is the perception of a Utah Girl in the Bay Area. Better get ready :)
I am Clair Jensen, and yesterday I moved to Alameda CA. This is the perception of a Utah Girl in the Bay Area. Better get ready :)
12 Hours Later...
The ride was hell. I'll be honest. The farther and farther I got from LG (funny that stands for both my mother and my boyfriend) the more and more my heart broke. I have never done something like this alone, and the fact that he wasn't with me was devastating. But I guess it is my own doing. I asked him not to come. I truly told him he wasn't allowed. I regret that. I want to share this experience with him. And everyone is so proud of me for doing this, this growing up thing. It sucks. Did you know that? Having to pull yourself out of everything you have known to achieve a dream that many people have judged you for.
I like bugs. Not all bugs, like crickets. Crickets are the devil. I went to Pet Club today and they have these crickets... GEEZ! They might give me nightmares! They aren't like the ones in Petsmart in UT. These are massive death crickets. My leopard gecko is even afraid of them! He maybe ate 4 and then tried to run away! I hate them. I guess "The industry is changing to Jamaican Crickets." Screw. That. If I have to special order brown crickets online for my little Monster, then dang it I will. I already have to order frozen pinkie mice for Squirt my king snake because paying $1.49 a piece is rediculous! But as I was saying... I love bugs. And I love how fascinating they are. I understand people don't like them to the extent I do, but I am tired of being labled the freak. There are some people who respect it, like MS who posted a picture of a beautiful Swallow Tailed Butterfly and then tagged me in it to ask me what it was. Some people see that it's needed to have entomologists in the world. To others, they think I've gone mental for loving the animals I love. I love insects. I get giddy seeing tarantulas in pet stores. My beetles fascinate me.. even though they keep eating each other. My king snake is the coolest flippin thing on the planet, and I can talk your ear off about ball python genetics. My heart flutters looking at a Kenyan Sand Boa, and when I'm sad I look at other reptiles that I could own one day. They make me happy. People don't get that.
Maybe that's why I'm here. I'm trying to find a group of people who love the creepy crawlers as much as I do. Who understands what it's like.
This is my song for the day. Send Me On My Way by Rusted Root
http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGMabBGydC0
I like bugs. Not all bugs, like crickets. Crickets are the devil. I went to Pet Club today and they have these crickets... GEEZ! They might give me nightmares! They aren't like the ones in Petsmart in UT. These are massive death crickets. My leopard gecko is even afraid of them! He maybe ate 4 and then tried to run away! I hate them. I guess "The industry is changing to Jamaican Crickets." Screw. That. If I have to special order brown crickets online for my little Monster, then dang it I will. I already have to order frozen pinkie mice for Squirt my king snake because paying $1.49 a piece is rediculous! But as I was saying... I love bugs. And I love how fascinating they are. I understand people don't like them to the extent I do, but I am tired of being labled the freak. There are some people who respect it, like MS who posted a picture of a beautiful Swallow Tailed Butterfly and then tagged me in it to ask me what it was. Some people see that it's needed to have entomologists in the world. To others, they think I've gone mental for loving the animals I love. I love insects. I get giddy seeing tarantulas in pet stores. My beetles fascinate me.. even though they keep eating each other. My king snake is the coolest flippin thing on the planet, and I can talk your ear off about ball python genetics. My heart flutters looking at a Kenyan Sand Boa, and when I'm sad I look at other reptiles that I could own one day. They make me happy. People don't get that.
Maybe that's why I'm here. I'm trying to find a group of people who love the creepy crawlers as much as I do. Who understands what it's like.
This is my song for the day. Send Me On My Way by Rusted Root
http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGMabBGydC0
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