Dear Professor...

I don’t really have a chapter that has been challenging my beliefs, but I do have a… theme that seems to be underlying in the way that people have been speaking in class. I am the only white person in class, not that I am saying this to exemplify myself in anyway, but I have noticed a hatred for my “race” in the words of both your teachings and in the words of the other students. Multiple times a sentence will start out “Because the white people do _____, the minorities are considered _____.” Now while I do agree that this is a common occurrence, I am a bit offended to be lumped into such an awful category. It frustrates me because I feel like we are fighting for equality, but only for certain groups.

My parents raised me to see a person for the person they are on the inside, not if they are an African American, a Hispanic, an Asian, a Homosexual, a Transsexual, a Muslim, a Christian, or an Atheist. Those things may influence how that person reacts to me, but that does not make them who they are. Color has never been a determining factor in my judgment of a person. If I may say so, I view everyone as if I am watching a “white” television. Everyone IS equal in my eyes. Rich or poor, black or white, skinny or curvy… who really cares?

I guess I am just aggravated at the fact that I get judged for what my ancestors did to other’s years and years ago. If I exhibited those same actions, then sure, go ahead and hate me. That would be understandable. But I don’t own slaves, I don’t call people wet backs, I don’t look at a Muslim woman with distaste because she wears a burka. I look at colored and religious people with curiosity; I only want to learn about what they believe so that I can grow in myself and better myself in this world.

I come from a place where being skinny, Latter Day Saint, and blonde are the only ways to succeed. I was none of those things. My family was separated, I was adopted, and I was Christian. I suffered more than you would think. My point here is, “white” people suffer at the hands of others as well. I am not saying I am any better than you, or that my struggles were better or worse than yours. I am just saying that we are all equal. We all go through things that can mold us into something. It is our choice to create hatred in our hearts.

I apologize for the idiots in this world that still torture people different then themselves. It’s ridiculous. Because I believe that there are only a few true blood lined races left in this world. We are so mixed and blended together that there is no knowing what we really are.

I guess I am writing this to just say, that if people want to be treated equally, we must show equality to others. I know that there are things in this world that want to stop this movement, but how are we supposed to change this if we just sit on our butts and do nothing to change ourselves. We say how much we hate how the world treats us… well why don’t we show the world how to treat us by treating it with respect and acceptance? There is always going to be hatred and discrimination, no matter what color or religion you are. But I am determined to prove that not all “white” people are this way by being an open and accepting soul to everyone who comes across my path.

(Yes, I am turning this in tonight.)

Misunderstandings

It seems that there have been an amount of misunderstandings revolving around things that I say on the "Oh so holy" Facebook. So let me begin to I guess... explain myself.

In no way was I speaking directly to anyone. EVER. It was not some underhanded way of telling someone that they did something stupid. If I felt that way, I would just tell you that. I have never been one to back handily say what is on my mind.

For situation number one. When I posted that I wanted someone to rot. You wanna know the truth? A member of my family (I would state who but there is a lot of police involvement and I am not going to say anything) hurt another member of my family. Physically. I was upset. I see now that I probably shouldn't have expressed these feelings on the community of Facebook, but it seems like there is an openness that you are allowed to have on the web. Until you open your mouth and everyone freaks the heck out. You know why everyone freaks out? Because you can't hear the inflection of what that person is truly saying. You can't see their facial expressions, if the tone of their voice is menacing or cheerful. Another reason is: WE ALL THINK EVERYTHING IS ABOUT US! I am even guilty of this. We think that what someone else is saying is automatically directed at us, our situations, our beliefs, and our life. I'm sorry, but its not.

I tend to generalize situations, like the next one:

I watch a lot of friends and I worry about where they are aiming their lives at. And I express that worry into a lump of "Why do people do this?" type of posting. And certain people, weather they are experiencing fear of that situation, or have gone through that situation, retaliate. I wasn't attacking you for what you have done. I CONSTANTLY start out those posts with the following: "I am not singling anyone out, but I just don't understand why..." I will then say "If that is where you want your life to go, then I am happy for you and the things you think are right." Even when I protect myself with these statements, I still get people that get upset. OK, so I've learned my lesson that people just can't seem to handle other people not liking something that they do.

I guess I seem to talk about subjects that are touchy to others. I was unaware that teenage pregnancy and marriage at a very young age is as touchy a subject as religion, but apparently it is. I just won't speak my mind on anything that people get upset about.

I just worry about you guys. Honestly, I wish that every single teenager out of high school could do what I am doing right now. Get away from the culture they were raised in (not saying Mormonism because I was not raised a Mormon) and see what the real world has to offer. It is so beautiful! Not just California, but the world! I have discovered so much about myself that I would have never done had I just gotten married and started a family.

BUT and that is a huge BUT. If that is the choice that YOU have made, then who am I to judge YOU. I know I get upset when people judge me for not being married yet, or for moving away from everything I had in Utah. For that I AM sorry. If what I said out of concern came out as something judgemental, I apologize. It was NOT what I was intending. I was not intending to make you feel bad about your choice to become a wife/husband/mother/father. Just as when you say things to me, or post things that apply to my life, I will not think that you are judging me for moving away or any other thing that I may do.

I want to make one more point. Back in May I posted something along the lines of "I don't see why everyone is getting married. LG and I aren't ready for that." And then in September I get engaged. I can see why people would think I was being hypocritical. Again, the context of that ties in with the paragraph up two. I am engaged, yes. I am not getting married for almost 2 years. He is not living here with me, but still in Utah. We have picked that date for two reasons. One, because we are not asking our parents to pay for anything unless they volunteer to donate, make, or pay for something. But I am not asking them to hand their pocket books to us. I would NEVER do that. And the other reason? We see that we both need to grow and both need to become more adult. I see that I am still a teenager, even if I am more adult then some of the adults I know. So I want to become more stable for him, and he wants to do likewise.

So my point to all of this? I love you guys, and I say things that sometimes sound judgemental. I am sorry if I hurt any ones feelings, it was not meant to. I say things because I feel like you should be doing different things, but I am sure you feel the same about me and how I run my life. I will learn to curb what I say and try not to express myself so boldly. If you guys promise me one thing: If I say something, unless I am stating your name, PLEASE, PLEASE for the love of God, don't think that I am directing it at you.

Most of My Friends Will Die in this Zip Code..

I went back to Utah this weekend... and I just have to say that I am glad that I left. I thought that the second I landed I would never want to drive home. And at first, I didn't. But the more the weekend went on, the more and more I missed my California. I love the Utah mountains, that I miss seeing every day. But I don't miss who I was in Utah.

Thursday: Being back in the arms of my love was so soothing. Having his cute little red neck self pick me up from the airport reminded me how much I truly love him. I don't know what it is about that man that makes me know he is the right one. We were discussing how sudden our love was. How it just hit us so quickly that we couldn't truly prepare for it. It's silly, and quite childish, but only months before I became a member of "Team Granquist" :) I was writing little ditties about boys that I thought I loved. I wrote pages and pages of ridiculous poetry. But when I fell under his spell, no matter how hard I tried to write, the words wouldn't flow. I look back now, and see that, that was my sign :)

Friday: What a crazy day. I slept in and woke up in a complete panic. I had so many things to do. I quickly got up and went and picked up Ms. TH and we went to breakfast at Seal's Cafe. Ya know, I sure do love Ole's here on the island, but I MISS Seals! The scones are the bomb. It was nice to talk to someone who truly gave a CRAP about my life and we could talk about things that some girls just don't get. Being with an older guy, especially during high school and he is graduated... yea try that one... is hard. The things people say to you, or behind your back, is ridiculous. TH suffered through hours of shopping with me.... But she did get a free pair of blue hooker shoes. :)

Man do I love weddings. I love getting as many ideas as I possibly can... this wedding made me realize I do NOT want cotton candy at my shin-dig... I will have WAY to many children there. Can you imagine 20 plus kids on a sugar high... yikes. I'm good THANK YOU!

LG and I then went to my grandparents house, had a wonderful dinner and a mentally stimulating conversation. As the night closed, I awkwardly voiced the question I was trying to prepared myself for. "So... can I have my dad?" If you didn't know, my father was cremated back when I was 16. My grandpa has been keeping him for me 'til I wanted his ashes. I have been wanting to release a small bit of him to the ocean this weekend as his birthday is this coming Monday. Must I say that handing the box that holds you deceased father to your fiance and saying "Creyton, meet L. L, meet Creyton." was quite.. disturbing. He is still buckled up in my 1993 Toyota Camry's back seat...

Creyton, L, and I then went to Arby's with my best friend and brother JQ. There at Arby's is where my whole world fell apart. As my Epic 4G fell from my hands, hit the tiled germed floor, I knew that it wasn't going to survive this one. And I must say, it did not. Not only was the glass screen shattered, but so was the touch screen underneath... Bad news. The night got better with not very adult and NOT mentally stimulating conversations with two men who act like small boys.. but I do love them. Many times I kept realizing that my father's remains were in the car and would shout "My father's listening!!!" The first time I said this JQ responds "Is that what I'm leaning on?" Welcome to my life people...

Saturday: Started the day out with tears. Had to go to the funeral of a man that I loved when I was a young girl. His wife and son were rocks in my life, and to learn that he left them so soon was hard to swallow. And to know that he left his son the same time my father left me busted my heart in two. I hope you and Creyton Jensen are having a good time up in heaven Aaron Booth.

Then came the show. The one thing that I came for. The beautiful thing that always brings me to a smile. Seeing JK, Mr. Christopher who I completely mauled, CB (the only person allowed to hand me a baggy full of electric blue feathers at a reptile show, and the oh so lovely BJ who's first question was "Is there something in my teeth?" made me realize that I am loved by a community that has a certain craziness. It has a certain password that you can only find out when you've been bit by the herpetology bug. It's full of crazy, tattooed, and bad a** people who get all ga ga over a baby snake. And I would never EVER leave this community. In this community you compare battle scars, talk about projects your working on, and discover new loves. LG fell head over heals for these little sticky footed geckos called Crested Geckos. I per sued my love for Cal Kings and brought home what I was looking for. But don't think that this community is super peachy. There are some crooks. And I sadly got schooled by one. I found this killer Texas Rat snake for $50. I asked to see him, and he was as calm as a puppy. The guy was saying he was an odd ball for his collection and needed to get rid of him. As he continued to drop the price, I just waited. I got him to $25 and took him. Man, do I wish I hadn't. When we got the, now lovingly named El Diablo, to LG's and got him on the heat, we quickly realized why he was so cheap.

El Diablo is obviously a wild caught snake. What tells me this? The fact that his face is rubbed completely raw by his persistent attempts to escape his enclosure. And the fact that he wants to eat anyone's face... needless to say we are debating on making a special trip to Texas just to let our $25 waste of money back into the wild. He's never going to relax, and it breaks my heart to see his face all destroyed.

I was quite deflated by El Diablo, my phone, and the fact I was exhausted. We then went to dinner with AK and CC. I love them to pieces, but I am realizing we are in different parts of our lives. They were content with dinner and a movie, and I wanted more. Maybe I am spoiled by the beach and all the big city things to do out here, but the small town of Layton Utah had nothing to offer my senses anymore. I am at a point in my life where I am an engaged woman, focusing on becoming a business woman and wife. And man do I love the city... I never thought I would, but I just LOVE the big city. I am not sure I will ever be able to leave.

Sunday: One thing I do miss about Utah is The Genesis Project. This community and the reptile community is the two things that make me feel human. To be loved by so many people... It's invigorating. The unbelievable amounts of hugs, the "You look so amazing!" and "Let me see that ring!" made me feel like I was important. Sometimes you lack that feeling.

All day Sunday we drove around looking for a barn to get married in. That was an unbelievable bust. Just doesn't seem like that's going to be the right place unless we shell out $1000... I am willing to do it but LG isn't so sure he wants to do such a thing... anyone wanna donate? ;)

My song for the day was not available on Playlist, so I had to youtube it. :)

Validation

I am going to make choices in my life that others do not agree with, and yes I do understand that. LG did not agree with me moving to California, which he tells me underhandedly at least once a week. My Uncle does not agree with me getting engaged. He tells me this outright. My mother doesn't like all of the animals I buy. There are days I can easily hold up my middle finger and tell them I don't care. But there are days, and those are the days where my soul is so unbelievably low that I begin to doubt my choices. I begin to wonder if I did the right thing.

So here folks, is my form of self validation:

I moved here to get out of the hell that I called Utah. Most of the people there were never true friends, making fun of the things I loved openly to my face. I don't want to raise my family in the environment that I had to endure. Where acceptance and love is something only given to the chosen ones. I needed a place to call my own. I saw it, and ran for it. I know you think I left you, and in a messed up sense I did. We were becoming toxic, we weren't allowing ourselves to grow. I needed to readjust my life and so did you. I have seen what an incredible man you have already become, and I am so excited for the man you will become in the next 18 months.

I know that I am young. And I will agree with you that 18 is early. But don't you dare speak for my father. You are not him. You are my Uncle. And YES I know that you technically knew him longer then I, which I honestly resent you for. But neither of us can speak for a man who is dead. Do not tell me what he would say. Because no one knows those things. We didn't even know he was going to take his own life, so how would we know what he would say about my situation. I know this. He would be PROUD of me for the things that I have done. And you have to admit, I have grown five times more then other kids my age. So again, I ask you, do not speak for a man who is dead. I loved my father, but he decided to leave. Therefore, he forfeited his rights to speak into my life.

To make money, you have to spend it. My business is a strange one, where up front you have to shell out a lot of cash and then wait for things to happen. It is not a quick cash business. My business partner and I have put a hold on our buying and are waiting for things to progress. We are hoping to have two clutches of snakes that will give us at least 300 dollars an animal. It is all a waiting game. But I know you are saying these things because you want me to take care of myself. I hear you. Loud and clear. Thank you :)

I am excited for the next year and a half. Things are changing wonderfully. Our business is kicking off, LG and I got engaged, so I am overtaken by planning and ideas. If they spill across these typed words excuse me for I need... validation. I need someone to tell me that they like where my brain is going.

I do not have a song for the day today.

Address in the Stars

Go to my playlist, click on Address in the Stars and read the lyrics. Love you Daddy...

Address in the Stars

by Caitlin & Will

I stumbled across your picture today

I could barely breath

The moment stopped me cold,

Grabbed me like a thief.

I dialed your number, but you wouldn't be there

I knew the whole time, but it's still not fair

I just wanted to hear your voice,

I just needed to hear your voice.

What do I do with all I need to say

So much I wanna tell you everyday

Oh it breaks my heart,

I cry these tears in the dark

I write these letters to you,

But they get lost in the blue,

'Cause there's no address in the stars.

Now I'm drivin'

Through the pitch black dark I'm screaming at the sky

Oh cause it hurts so bad

Everybody tells me

Oh all I need is time

Then the mornin' rolls in

And it hits me again

And that ain't nothin' but a lie.

What do I do with all I need to say

So much I wanna tell you everday

Oh it breaks my heart,

I cry these tears in the dark

I write these letters to you,

But they get lost in the blue,

'Cause there's no address in the stars.

Without you here with me,

I don't know what to do.

I'd give anything

Just to talk to you

Oh it breaks my heart,

Oh it breaks my heart,

All I can do Is write these letters to you,

But there's no address in the stars.

When You're Going Through Hell

Just keep going before the devil knows you're there...

I have been an outcast since the beginning. Being a born again christian in an lds world. Being the fat kid around super models. Having a father who took his own life. Dating a man instead of a boy. Loving the creatures that others hate.

But this. This is completely different. I feel like I have been labled "Freak" before I am able to give them a reason to hate me.

And what's funny is, I'M the normal one! Atleast my parents didn't name me Christopher Robin, nor did I embrace it and name my dog Winnie the Pooch. My mom doesn't come to college with me (I'm dead serious. He was 19, and she was in the same class and said she was there to experience school with her son. Seriously?!) I wore appropriate clothes, and I didn't announce to the whole class that "the three things I love are my girlfriend, skating, and smoking pot." I wasn't loud, or sit on my phone the whole class. I answered the professors question when all of you sat there scratching your heads.

Yet I'm the weird one? Well guess what. People like you, are the reason why God gave me a middle finger.

Song of the Day: Pray for You by Jaron and the Long Road to Love

If I Were a Rat Today...

I would have eaten my child. This morning was... hell. She was having such an issue with life. It didn't matter what I did today, she cried. She literally laid on the floor and screamed over a puzzle. I love her, but today... I could have throttled her. Enough said.